I’m Very Two-Dimensional

So “Of Unknown Provenance” didn’t fund, depriving generations of future gamers the chance to take a wander through the Night Archive. It’s this sort of hole in our shared cultural landscape that allows “The Jersey Shore” to keep airing, people. When society collapses, you’ll regret not forking over that $20.00.

In all seriousness, however, thank you to everyone who did contribute to the campaign and I’m sorry you won’t be seeing the adventure anytime soon. There’s still hope it may appear someday in some form, but I’ve got a heap on my plate to work through at the moment and projects with paychecks attached to them take precedence.

Even though my project didn’t make the final funding cut, I did get a piece of good news this week and it’s something very few other occupants of the OSR tent can list on their resume: I’ve been rendered in comic form in the latest installment of “Marvin the Mage!” Jim Wampler was kind enough to add a cameo appearance of myself in the midst of a tavern brawl. I think this means that the world of Marvin now contains two RPG writers and designers as residents—myself and Tim Kask. The place is certainly going downhill fast!

A very big “thank you” goes out to Jim for including me in a small capacity in comedic schemes of Marvin and his cohorts. You can check out the page here and play “Guess Who Mike Is?” for yourself.

Beware of Lampreymen…Suckers

My regular readers know that I’ve penned the upcoming DCC adventure Emirikol Was Framed! and that it’s due for release later this year. What is not common knowledge is that I’ve written a second adventure and that I’m currently working on a third Dungeon Crawl Classics scenario.

The second adventure is entitled The Sea Queen Escapes! and it’s now in the final stages of revisions and playtesting. The cover art is complete and the book is almost ready to go into layout. No release date or formal announcement has yet been issued, but I have permission to talk a little bit about it. You can hear me say a few words about The Sea Queen on an upcoming episode of Jennisodes, and those of you looking for more details about my DCC work, Stonehell Dungeon, and “Of Unknown Provenance” should tune in once that goes live.

As I mentioned, The Sea Queen Escapes! is undergoing playtesting at the moment by certain select groups. One such group played through the adventure this weekend. Amongst the players at the table was Jim Wampler, the mind and pen behind Marvin the Mage! I’ve mentioned Marvin in the past and Grognardia gives old Marv some wordage as well in this post. If you’re not currently reading Marvin, I suggest you point your browser over to mudpuppycomics.com and catch up on the fun.

One of the unique monsters featured in The Sea Queen Escapes! are the lampreymen, an sea-going race that makes an appearance early on in the aquatic-themed adventure. Jim Wampler, inspired by the party’s run in with these cold-blooded suckers, created a wonderful illustration of them in his own unique comic style. Both Jim and Joseph Goodman gave me their blessings to share Jim’s work with my readership.

Having no visual artistic talent of my own, it’s always a surprise and an extreme pleasure to see something that existed solely in my head and in written form come to life in an artistic depiction, and Jim’s take on the lampreymen is no exception. I’m digging the bandoleer of pouches this guy’s rockin' as he comes at you with his spear and big old mouth.

Hopefully this small glimpse at just one of the many threats awaiting the PCs inside the cover of The Sea Queen Escaped! “wets” your appetite for more. If you dig this sample of Jim’s work, stop by mudpuppycomics.com for a lot more of his stuff and a lot of laughs to boot!

Cure Humorous Wounds

High art, this is not, but I know some referees will introduce this particular bit of wonderworking into their campaigns with tremendous glee. Think of it as a companion piece to my long-forgotten One Hundred Random Ridiculous Magic Items Table.

Cure Humorous Wounds (reversible)
Level: 1
Duration: Permanent
Range: Touch

This potent but specific spell cures a single character or creature (including the caster) of all damage suffered from one or more wounds. However, the injuries healed must be humorous in nature. Any injuries sustained in a less than entertaining fashion are unaffected by this spell.  Whether a wound is considered humorous is left to the Labyrinth Lord’s discretion, but suggested comical wounds include an arrow in the buttocks, a sharp blow to the genitals, injuries sustained from custard pies, and other similar damage. If the majority of the players (not characters) succumb to laughter as a result of the wound, it is also considered humorous.

Cause humorous wounds (reverse of cure humorous wounds) inflicts a single injury on a creature if the caster touches his opponent and the victim fails a saving throw vs. spells. The exact nature of the wound can be determined by the Labyrinth Lord or by rolling on the table below:

1) Shot to the Danglies: Lose all actions for one turn automatically. Each subsequent round, the target must make a save vs. paralysis to recover. If the save is failed, the creature loses another round of action as he/she/it groans in pain.

2) Hot Foot: Target’s boot/foot/hoof/etc. catches fire causing them to hop about comically for 1d4 rounds or until they extinguish the appendage. The small fire inflicts 1 point of damage each round.

3) Eye Poke: Woo-woo-woo! Target is poked in the eyes and cannot see for 1d4 rounds. All attacks and saving throws are at a -2 penalty.

4) Mallet to the Head: A hammer of force descends upon the target, smiting them upon the pate. If wearing a helmet, the basinet is crushed and forced down over the victim’s eyes, blinding them until it can be removed with a successful STR check. Target’s without helmets are stunned for 1d4 rounds and illusionary, tweeting birds circle the victim’s head.

5) Tongue Grab: A hand of force grasps the victim’s tongue and yanks. A successful DEX check must be made to remain standing. Spell-casters are unable to perform magic for 1d4 rounds afterwards.

6) Atomic Wedgie: An unseen presence yanks the victim’s undergarments upward with great violence, reducing their movement rate to the next lowest speed and inflicting a +2 penalty to AC. This effect lasts for 1d4 rounds or until the victim spends a full round readjusting their undergarments. 

Need a copy of the Dungeon Alphabet? These guys can help you

If you've got a cool grand, that is.

I know those prices aren't indicative of the market and/or the book's availability, and are merely an artifact of the way some online retailers work on Amazon, but I still find it pretty hilarious.

Hex Crawl Easter Egg

Just something that popped into my head today. Use it in your next hex crawl and see if the PCs (or more correctly, the players) pick up what you’re putting down.

Hex XXXX: A shallow grave lies in an overgrown thicket that stands here alongside the river. Excavating the grave reveals the rotted, mostly skeletal corpse of a halfling. His tattered clothing identifies him as being a River Halfling in life. A careful examination of the corpse discovers he was strangled to death.

I've Never Laughed Harder While Being Terrified

Thanks to Jim Ward for sharing this on Facebook. I'm on record stating that the alien from Alien absolutely terrifies me, but I heartily endorse this sort of prankery. If more people thought like this, the world would be a much more magical place.

Why I'll Never Be a Superstar

An email popped into my inbox tonight reminding me that the Paizo RPG Superstar 2012 competition is underway and that the deadline for the first round of entries is January 6th. Normally, this is something that I'd not be moved to participate in, but every since I got my hands on the Pathfinder Beginners Box, I've been examining the game in a somewhat different light. About ten minutes after I received that email, an idea for an entry popped into my head and I figured, "What the hell. Why not submit it?"

Then I read this in the rules: Anyone with a cover credit on a hardcover RPG book is ineligible.

Damn you, The Dungeon Alphabet! If only Goodman Games had been cheap bastards and gone with a softcover rather than a stylish and durable hardcover I might have been the next RPG Superstar! Looks like I'll have to become one the old-fashioned way. Back to work for me.

BÖC-Hurricane Party Video Mix

If you never hear from me again, I was swept out to sea.

You John Carter Fans Are Smoking Dope

So all morning long I'm seeing that everyone in the OSR is having a geek fit over this new John Carter movie. I haven't been following the buzz on it, but after all the OMG!!! posts, I decided to track down the trailer and see it myself.

You all are going to spend your hard-earned cash on this tripe? Bah!

Dragontales: “Sir George”

The Dragontales anthology (and yes, I’m still working my way through it) does its best to appeal to everyone, no matter what their preferred flavor of fantasy might be. So far we’ve seen game fiction, pulp sword & sorcery, and second-wave feminist faerie tales; it must therefore be time to delve into the comedic to lighten things up. We get it in the form of Carl Parlagreco’s “Sir George.”

Like most of the authors whose work resides in Dragontales, Parlagreco seems to have been an unknown writer who caught the eye of Kim Mohan & company when assembling the anthology. It is possible that this Carl Parlagreco is the same one associated with The Spartacus File (the dates seem to fit in any case), but again a cursory web search reveals little about the author’s post-Dragontales writing endeavors.

What is evident is that Parlagreco has a fondness for puns, play on words, and is undoubtedly familiar with the works of Douglas Adams: “Sir George” is that kind of tale. In it, we are introduced to the eponymous protagonist, a dragon who awakens one morning to deal with both a sore throat and a bold (if inept) knight named Byron Elpus, Lord of the Pristine Lands. Yes, that makes him “Lord Elpus,” who is just the first of several outlandishly-named characters.

Lord Elpus needs George’s head so that he can marry his beloved, the glorious Maiden Form. George, being rather attached to it, manages to convince the knight errant that a solution exists that would allow him to keep his cranium while still meeting the conditions placed upon Elpus. And thus an unlikely buddy tale in the vein of Dragonheart is born.

The illustrations that accompany the story are the work of an artist who signs his or her work as “Yeehan,” “Seehan,” or “Geehan” depending on how one interprets the first letter in their signature. The pieces are all competently rendered and their style fits a lighter, funny story.

Sir George is a one of the shorter tales in the anthology and being a comedy piece (especially on that relies on a lot of puns to deliver its comedic punch), there’s not a whole lot of depth or subtext to read into. That doesn’t mean it’s a poor tale, however, although one’s enjoyment will largely depend on your own attitudes towards word play in humor. Some of the puns are more dated than others, while still others are likely to sail over the heads of younger readers. It also ends on a slightly ominous note depending on how one chooses to read it.

Wong & Boris, Culinary Masters and Chefs of Renown

When the jaded palettes of nobility grow tired of stag, peacock tongue, and turkey-stuffed-with-chicken-stuffed-with-duck, they summon the legendary chefs, Wong & Boris. Once word arrives in their Kitchen Stronghold that their talents are required, the two masters of the culinary arts sally forth with the caravan of prep cooks, mobile larders, and chest of endless herbs & spices to wherever their skills are wanted. They charge a fortune for their efforts (one banquet they prepared for the Sultan of Yugglestan resulted in the economic collapse of the county’s infrastructure), but the results are well worth it.

It should be noted that Wong & Boris provide only the means to prepare and serve a meal, and the necessary garnishes and seasonings that accompany it, not the dish itself. For that, they typically rely on their employer or any number of wayward adventurers with empty pouches, loose morals, and questionable common sense. More than one out-of-work adventuring band met their end on a quest that bean with the appearance of an apron-clad, funny hat-wearing, mysterious stranger with an outrageous accent who sidled up to their tavern table with an offer of work.

These adventurers are tasked with the job of locating, killing (or sometimes capturing), and returning with the carcass of creatures running the gamut from anhkhegs to dragons to purple worms to tarrasques—all of which Wong & Boris have a dozen recipes for. Those adventurers who succeed with aplomb may even be granted a seat and plate at the meal (although usually seated at a small folding table near the kitchen).

The Final Level of Stonehell Dungeon

I was going to post an incredibly useful PDF about horses, horse trading, and other equine pursuits today, but MediaFire has made “improvements” and I can no longer upload files to share with you fine folks. So, until they give me a workaround, here’s a sneak peak at the final level of Stonehell Dungeon. Get your vorpal swords ready!

Readers may recall that I was lamenting my lack of certain toys from my youth last year during the holidays. Amongst those I was missing were Presto Magix rub-on transfers. Christmas came and, lo and behold, I got a present from my brother in the guise of my two-year old nephew. He had forgotten about Presto Magix until my blog post reminded him of our misspent youth doing these things in front of our titanic wooden television set. He managed to not only track down a Star Wars set but several AD&D sets as well and presented them to me gleefully at Christmas.

Last night, we had snow yet again here in New York and I decided to while away the hours by making a mash-up of both types of Presto-Magix sets. You can see the final result by clicking the image below. The entire time I was creating this masterpiece, the only thing I could think of was that this looks like either the ultimate battle in Stonehell Dungeon or just another day in the world of Encounter Critical. Incidentally, I’m also pretty certain that this is what’s going on inside of Jeff Rients’ head at any given moment…

Curse You, Carlo Muad'dib!

Offered without commentary, but he knows what he did!

Come for the Rant, Stay for the Chart

Run, do not walk, to JOESKY's latest post. After a pretty lousy day, it was just what I needed to restore my faith in humanity.

P.S. to my players: I will be using that chart in future sessions. You've been warned.

Ten Things I Wish I Bought Back Then So I Could Have Them Now

Since it’s the time for holiday wish lists and general greed, I’ve been thinking about what I really wish I could have as gifts this year. These presents are not realistic by any means, but since I’m a simple man and all I really want is the new Social Distortion album and for somebody to destroy Mumford & Sons so I never have to hear “Little Lion Man” ever again, it’ll take a theoretical flight of fancy to finish stuffing my stocking.

Limiting myself to 10 items for 2010, they are, in no specific order, the gifts that I wish I had bought for myself back before they went out of print or became incredibly expensive to procure. Almost all of them are pure nostalgia fodder. I’ve specifically left role-playing game books and other supplements off the list as they represent an entire category of their own, one considerably longer than ten items.

10) A set of official Wraith: The Oblivion Dice. When it comes to role-playing games, I’m not a completionist except for two titles: Gamma World and Wraith: The Oblivion. I’ve mentioned that I own every Gamma World edition since its debut. I also have the majority of W:tO stuff. Nevertheless, the dice set never made its way into my possession. I think most of the run of these ended up in a landfill somewhere because they‘re impossible to find, even in the dark alleys of the internet.

9) A Dragonbone: We used to mock this thing mercilessly back in the day, not only because of the adolescent hilarity found in anything called a “Dragonbone,” but because we figured how lame were you if you couldn’t be bothered to actually throw some dice? (An opinion I still have.) Now I want one for simple nostalgia sake and to be able to “whip out my Dragonbone” the next time I’m at a convention and the guy next to me is using a friggin’ iPhone app instead of real dice. I’d show him some hard-core, old school boneage!

8) A Gryphon Games Miniature Case: Another cool product from the back pages of Dragon. I couldn’t paint worth a damn back then, but the idea of having what I imagined to be a massive treasure chest to keep them in was too cool to not want. These things didn’t leave so much as an electronic ripple on the Web, making me think that their plywood construction and brown leatherette covering failed to hold up to the passage of time.

7) A few pads of Armory 1/10” x 1/20” Graph Paper: I posted about this stuff back in October. I haven’t got much of it left, but if I had known then how much this stuff still instills me with a sense of pleasant nostalgia and memories of happy afternoons drawing dungeon maps, I would have bought a pallet of the stuff back in the mid-1980s.

6) Dungeons & Dragons Computer Labyrinth Game: I remember playing this as a kid and I wasn’t all that impressed with it after a few rounds with it, but I never had one of my own: a fact my friend Greg used to lord over me. Alas, that hole in my psyche can never be healed and this is just a vain attempt to fill that emptiness.

6) Kenner’s Alien board game: I actually owned this as a kid and it probably contributed to the irrational fear of xenomorphs that still plagues me to this day. The fact that there was a children’s board game published that was based on an R-rated move with a rape subtext still boggles my mind. Blame the Star Wars merchandising machine for this one. I’d love to have this in my closet again—even though the idea of an actual Alien in my closet makes me lose bladder control.

5) A carton of assorted Presto Magix transfers: Only tentatively gaming-related as some were historical or science-fiction in nature. I can’t even guess as to how many of these I bought at the corner variety store in my youth. Each came with a fold-out background the depicted some exotic vista and a sheet of color transfers that you rubbed over with a pencil to affix to the background. It allowed any kid, even the ones like me who couldn’t draw worth a damn, to create cool action scenes, provided you didn’t mind them not actually performing any actions.

4) A complete set of the Gregg Press Fafhrd and Grey Mouser books: I mentioned in a previous post that this edition was my introduction to Leiber’s famous twain. I own scattered editions of more recent vintage, but to have the orange cover books from the 1970s on my shelf would make me a happy man.

3) All of the Grenadier AD&D miniatures boxed sets: Grenadier’s D&D minis and this game will forever be entwined together in my brain. I owned only a few single pieces in my youth, but each time I saw an advert for them in Dragon or encountered someone who owed these pieces, usually exquisitely painted, made me think I wasn’t getting the full D&D experience. I started refurbishing some of my old miniatures just before the “Out of the Box” game and was reminded that, as clunky and chunky as Grenadier’s early work was, those pieces remain the epitome of game miniatures to me.

2) A vintage set of Crossbows and Catapults: True story—In 1983, my brother and I were playing a game of “Crossbows and Catapults” on our bedroom floor. At the precise moment one of our walls (I forget whose) went crumbling down under a fired disc, a tremendous explosion rocked the neighborhood. Although we initially believed we had somehow unleashed Armageddon by means of a siege warfare game, our father quickly (and somewhat disappointingly) informed us that the Grucci Fireworks Co., located in the next town over, had exploded. That remains one of weirdest moments of synchronicity I've ever experienced in my life and I’d like to have a set again so that my brother and I could possibly destroy other local landmarks.

1) My true #1 is something I’d rather keep to myself. Suffice to say it would require a little bit of time-travel and whole lot of “I wish I knew then what I know now.” The best things in life aren’t things, you know. Barring that, however, how about a complete run of original ROM the Space Knight comic book series? I'm sure it wouldn't stand up to my memories of it, but I remember the Dire Wraiths as being pretty bad ass, largely due to the fact that they regularly killed folks, which was pretty radical for a comic book at that time. I never owned the ROM action figure, but the books had a big impact on my development...which probably isn't a good thing to reveal.

When Humor Passes its Freshness Date

I found this comic in the back pages of issue #2 of Gryphon, a game magazine that I never heard of until I picked up this copy during my distillation of gaming material last month. They say that true humor is timeless, and if that is the case, this comic is most certainly low on the "Ha Ha Funny List of All Time." Lacking a suitable test audience of the appropriate age, I can only imagine the confusion this comic would instill in the mind of anyone who wasn't around to witness a Wisk commerical during the '70s.

Even more unsettling is that, should George Lucas have his continued way with our cutural heritage, even Darth Vader as depicted in the original trilogy may one day be excised from the minds of young Star Wars fans, replaced by Animated Ankin Skywalker.

Capitalizing on Hysteria

Stonehell Dungeon: Down Night-Haunted Halls: Stonehell Dungeon is a classic-style megadungeon, filled with enough monsters, traps, weirdness, and treasure to keep you gaming for a long, long time. Explore over 700 rooms, encounter more than 40 new monsters, and discover 18 mysterious magical items -- and that's just in the first book! Stonehell Dungeon: Down Night-Haunted Halls details the first six levels of a megadungeon intended for use with the Labyrinth Lord™ role-playing game, but is easily adaptable to most early versions of the original fantasy role-playing game and its retro-clones. Featuring art by J.A. D'Andrea, Lee Barber, Marcelo Paschoalin, and Ralph Pasucci, Stonehell Dungeon gives the game master all the necessary information to run his players through the dungeon, while offering enormous opportunities to customize and expand on the site. Suitable for characters of levels 1 through 7.

Stonehell Dungeon: Down Night-Haunted Halls is done by amateurs for amateurs and features loads of clip-art and hand-drawn maps (that were later redone in Photoshop BY HAND!). STICK IT TO THE MAN AND BUY MY BOOK!!! ON SALE NOW at LULU.COM!!!



(Because if I didn't do it, somebody else would)

A Missed Opportunity

I've been listening to one of my more obscure LPs lately while wrestling with a piece I'm working on. It's the album "Cacophany" by the British punk ensemble Rudimentary Peni. The album is composed entirely of songs inspired by Edgar Allan Poe and Howard Philips Lovecraft. It's a bit of an acquired taste but I've had it on vinyl since my college days.

One song on the album, "Imps of the Perverse," features a particularly humorous rant against Grandpa Theobald. I enjoyed it for years before I learned that the rant did not originate with the band, but with Avrim Davidson, the executive editor of Fantasy and Science Fiction magazine, who wrote it as a review of The Survivor and Others in 1963. It was intended in good fun.

I recently discovered that some wag put together a video featuring the song and placed it up on Youtube. The staccato appearance of the song's captioning just cracks me up. I'm not sure if Lovecraft would have approved, but I'm pretty sure Two-Gun would have cracked a smile.

A Matter Of Completely Prurient Interest

From Wikipedia's entry on Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser:

A sex scene from The Swords of Lankhmar, cut by editor Don Wollheim ("Good Heaven, Fritz, we're a family publisher...") was published in Fantasy Newsletter #49 (July 1982)

So my question is: Where can I get a hold of a copy of the July 1982 issue of "Fantasy Newsletter"? ;-)

Signs of Life

Somehow, it got to be Thursday and I never finished all those posts I was working on for this week. Uff da. So, for want of more complex and well-thought out material, I’ll leave you with these recent moments of satori:

1) Roleplaying gamers are probably unique in their irrational tendency to argue that the rules of their games are not sufficiently” realistic” (and I include wargamers and other fans of simulation games amongst the roleplayers in this case). Imagine how many of the hoary old chestnuts of debate (alignment, wizards with swords) would no longer be fodder for arguments if gamers simply remembered that they are playing games, and that games, by their very nature, have artificial rules and limitations imposed upon them. I very much doubt that, over on the Monopoly forums, there are debates raging about how “I should be able to move farther on my turn because my piece is the guy on the horse. That horse has got to move faster than the iron!” or “I’m the car. Why can’t I just run over the dog and take Bill out of the game completely? That’s not very realistic!”

2) One of the unforeseen benefits of running a campaign that draws primarily on pulp sword & sorcery tales as inspiration is the ease of stocking dungeons and creating wilderness encounter tables. No longer do I find myself having to choose between kobolds, goblins, xvarts, or jermlaine. Instead, I just try to picture Elric, Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser, or Conan fighting a certain creature. If I can, that beastie makes the cut. If I can picture Conan as depicted by John Buscema & Ernie Chan fighting it, I know for certain it’s the right monster to use. There’s not going to be a lot of pegasi or chimeras lurking in the Watchfires & Thrones campaign.

Speaking of Watchfires & Thrones, for those of you interested in such things, the recap of last Sunday’s game is live over at the Archive of the Rotted Moon. I may squeeze in real post on the SoTPR before the weekend depending on what I accomplish today. If not, please enjoy yourselves, friends, and happy gaming!

New Magic Item: Galoot Cologne

Created by an evil prince (and part-time theatre critic), this vile substance is extremely lethal when consumed in its purest form. Anyone drinking the galoot cologne (cuh-LOG-nuh) must save vs. poison at -4 or die.

However, when the galoot cologne is mixed with food before consumption, the results are quite different. On a failed saving throw, the consumer’s Charisma is permanently reduced by 6 points unless he or she already has a Charisma of 6 or less.

If this is the case, the consumer’s Strength is permanently increased by four points up to a maximum of 18. Additionally, the consumer develops certain antisocial tendencies and becomes quick to anger. Should the consumer have a Strength of 14 or better (and a CHA of 6 or less) prior to consuming the liquid, they become a strange creature (never before seen on Broadway).

In this event, the referee is encourage to determine their new form using the tables and methods presented in Exquisite Corpses, The Random Esoteric Creature Generator, “Random Monsters” from The Dragon #10, or similar products. Referees strapped for time may use the stats for an ogre and assign the character 2-5 bizarre traits or new body parts.