Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The d100 Post

Has it really been so long?

Today’s post is the 100th such piece that has seen the light of day here at The Society of Torch, Pole and Rope. Just about six months ago, I decided that I might have a little something to add to this thing often referred to as the Old School Renaissance. Having been away from the hobby for a while, I thought that it might be interesting to chronicle my own attempt to return to this hobby that had given me so much enjoyment over the years, as well as provide me with a forum to discuss my plan to build my own megadungeon complex in the classical style. Since that time, I’ve managed to stay somewhat close to that goal; spouting bits of spurious wisdom along the way and throwing out a few creations of my own to help add a little more tinder to that growing old school fire.

Way back in August, I could never have foreseen the events and opportunities that have occurred over the past six months, and I’m a little humbled and awe-struck that these post of varying quality and seriousness have generated the response that they have. To all of you who drop by to read these regular posts: I thank you. I hope that I continue to keep your interest over the following six months as well.

The 100th of anything is often an important milestone. It is traditionally a time to reflect upon what has been and what shall be forthcoming. It is a time for deep thoughts and cultivated wisdom. A time to gather with old friends and reminisce.

But we won’t have any of that around here. Instead, let’s indulge ourselves with another long-standing role-playing tradition: the d% table!

In exactly one month, it will be the first anniversary of Gary’s passing. With this in mind, I’d like to present for your consideration the One Hundred Random Ridiculous Magical Items Table. Knowing Gary’s love of puns and plays-on-words, I hope that, wherever the Dungeon Master is, he gets a good laugh out of it. For the rest of you, I can only offer my sincere apologies. There’s absolutely no excuse for what is about to follow.

One Hundred Random Ridiculous Magical Items Table

D%

Item Found

01

Scroll of Protection from Misanthropes

02

Bucknard’s Everclear Purse

03

Wand of Magic Bristles

04

Amulet of the Biplanes

05

Cheech & Chong’s Eversmoking Bottle

06

Staff of Curing Meat

07

Q*bert of Force

08

Daern’s Instant Coffee

09

Chimp of Opening

10

Ring of Water Waking

11

Manuel of Golems

12

Potion of Howard Hughes

13

Rug of Mothering

14

Staff of the Maggie

15

Spear, Cursed Anklebiter

16

Ring of Regurgitation

17

Portable Mole

18

Necklace of Adoption

19

Moose of Disruption

20

Bag of Turning Tricks

21

Dust of Disappointment

22

Mule of Life Protection

23

Baba Yaga’s Hutt

24

Crystal Bull

25

Matlock of the Titans

26

Fax of the Dwarvish Lords

27

Tangerine of Wondrous Power

28

Potion of Red Wagon Control

29

Raistlin’s Inhaler

30

Decanter of Endless Wafers

31

Sling of Leaking +2

32

Heward’s Handy Hasselhoff

33

Grocers of Defense

34

Ioun Stains

35

Trident of Missile Command

36

Wand of Enema Detection

37

Medallion of EST

38

Cloak of Misplacement

39

Ring of Fire Persistence

40

Sword +5, Offender

41

The Deck of Feet

42

Ring of Gin Summoning

43

Mace of Engelbert Humperdinck

44

Robe of Blenders

45

Brassiere of Commanding Fire Elementals

46

Iron Bands of Bolero

47

Boots of Elevenkind

48

Hammer of Thundercats

49

Mall of the Titans

50

Cup and Talisman of Admiral Akbar

51

Ring of Orange Stars (and Green Clovers)

52

Smooch of Shielding

53

Wigs of Flying

54

Potion of Ground Control

55

Deer of Annihilation

56

Robe of Converse All Stars

57

Thumbs of Panic

58

Scab of Protection

59

Quaal’s Subway Token

60

Wand of Greased Lightning

61

Bag of Caught Holding

62

Popes of the Sewers

63

Tome of Misunderstanding

64

Liar of Building

65

Beau +1

66

Ring of Three Fishes

67

Potion of Extra Pickles

68

Nolzur’s Marvelous Pigs

69

Robe of Noses

70

Stone of Weight Watchers

71

Poodle of Giant Strength

72

Talisman of Ultimate Elvis

73

Alchemy Jug Band

74

Scroll of Protection from Possessions

75

Murlynd’s Spork

76

Helm of Telegraphy

77

Mirror of David Prowse

78

Lawn Darts of Speed

79

Potion of Heeling

80

Rod of Bugling

81

Well of Many Words

82

Staff of Smitten

83

Pretense of Meditation

84

Prophylactic of Monstrous Attention

85

Book of Finite Spells

86

Ring of Mammary Control

87

Net of Snoring

88

Staff of Wuthering

89

Horn of Valhalla, New York

90

Rod of Stewart

91

Gauntlets of Ogre Powder

92

Bag of Mr. Bean

93

Cloak of the Martha Raye

94

Gem of Seething

95

Horn of Foghat

96

Sword of Square-dancing

97

Periapt of Foreclosure

98

Wand of Negotiation

99

Heward’s Enormous Organ

00

The Crotch of Vecna

17 comments:

Chgowiz said...

I'll take 01 and 00 for 100gp, Mike! It describes several places of the Intert00bs perfectly!

Chgowiz said...

Oh, and congrats on #100! :)

Joseph said...

Getting a little blue at the end, eh?

Congrats on your century mark!

(And oddly, my word verification for this post is "hydra". Neato!)

Amityville Mike said...

I'll take 01 and 00 for 100gp, Mike! It describes several places of the Intert00bs perfectly!

Ain't that the truth...

Amityville Mike said...

Getting a little blue at the end, eh?

It wasn't my intention, but one gets a little punchy after coming up with 76 or so of these. Plus, some of the magical items just suggest themselves in ways too good to pass up.

Will Douglas said...

Very nifty!


I like #08, Daern's Instant Coffee. (I think Major Tom called dibs on #54, Potion of Ground Control.)

But #62, Popes of the Sewers sounds to me like a Shadowrun adventure...

The Devil's Janitor said...

#29: Raistlin's Inhaler -

Priceless man, Freakin' Priceless!!! :p

Christopher B said...

Happy centipost! And what a great table. :)

Sometimes I wish I had a gaming group full of dullards - and this is one of those times! That "Crotch of Vecna" could result in a lot of fun (for me, the DM, at least) from the right game group. :P

Juampa said...

Congratulations on your 100th post! I've been following your blod (and James's Grognardia) and it makes for a very interesting and inspiring reading.

I really like #63, #76 and #81! :)

Dr-Rotwang said...

Does the Ring of Mammary Control confer its owner the power to dictate the motion of mammaries, their size, position, or what? 'Cause one of those could seriously devastate the cosmetic surgery industry as we know it.

Sham aka Dave said...

What a fantastic idea, and stupendous list! I love this thing...but I'm sure you knew I would.

Brunomac said...

Congrats Mike, and ditto specifically to those first few sentences. I was away from gaming for a long while, and am playing again and actually trying my hand at this blogging thing. Thanks to guys like you and that smart fella at Grognardia for being an inspiration.

Say, is the Staff of Wuthering found only on the heights? Ha ha ha ha - * yeah, I know. Lame.

Amityville Mike said...

I'm glad people got some entertainment out of this. I blame an entirely too long commute to and from work for giving me the time to come up with 100 of these.

My personal favorite: Robe of Blenders.

Vanadorn said...

Piers Anthony is currently jotting down at least 12 of these for whatever iteration of Xanth novels he is up to.

As for you, you are aware that I will now have to drop a few of these gems into Fengarth's Tower or Dargan's Folley?

I have a funny feeling it will be a fight between Dettheron and Fabambus to see who claims whatever treasures we find. ;)

V

Zweihander said...

63 Tome of Misunderstanding

Pretty sure I own a few copies of that one. With its appendices actually.

Did you know it's in its 4th edition now?

Congratulations on 100 posts!

Chgowiz said...

@Zweihander - FTW!

Vanadorn said...

Ahem....#99 - Heward's Enormous Organ. Check. Used. Game. Point. Match.

Chuckle.

Thanks for the great idea Mike