Friday, December 18, 2009

Command Words

If you write a blog long enough, the thrill of checking daily traffic reports fades over time. I’ve long since passed that point, and now rarely check my Analytics page more than twice a month. Since I’m trying to update my blog list, however, I took the time to do a prolonged analysis of my monthly traffic to see who’s linking to me and what blogs have sprouted up since I last took much notice.

While doing so, a few choice search keywords phrases caught my eye, and I took an overlong look at that particular section for the first time. Some of the keywords that led visitors here were humorous, while others were mind-boggling. It being a slow Friday, I’ve decided to share a few of my favorites, along with the color commentary that their appearance brought to mind.

sake home brew "yellow mold": I did some home-brewing when I was in college (“It’s got four ingredients, one of which is water! How tough can it be?"), but I never had to utilize a potentially lethal form of dungeon mold to get a drunk on. I have newfound respect for the home sake maker.

rabbit vs sheeps tavern: This sounds to me like a pub located on the outskirts of the Hundred Acre Wood that caters to football hooligans.

quitting 4e returning old school d&d: Whether this is someone doing research on the OSR or a cry for help, I don’t know. I’m sure Alcoholics Anonymous experiences a similar phenomenon.

oakland raiders haters stencils: This one came a surprise. Let me state for the record that I’m actually a Raiders fan, despite being a New Yorker. When I was a kid, the Oakland Raiders had such an evil mystique that I was drawn to them and have remained a fan ever since. Once upon it time, it seemed that the only things to survive a nuclear holocaust would be cockroaches and the Raiders. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned my fandom on this blog before, so how it got associated with the Raiders (and fans perennially disappointed enough by them to become “Raider Haters”) is unknown to me. And yes, I know they suck so please don’t bother leaving comments informing me of this.

miasmic theory and its premises in psyche: What? Huh? I’m going to have to look this one up myself because it sounds pretty interesting.

medieval torch hire: Somebody out there is pricing their next dungeon exploration. They should try for price quotes and availability.

martin burbur quotes imagine yourself: If you’re looking for information on Martin Burber, you’ve come to the wrong place.

eat dragon brain dungeons and dragons: Just when you think dragons have enough problems with hobbits, dwarves, and knights in shining armor coming to their caves to steal their hoard and dice them into hamburger, now they’ve got brain-eating zombies to deal with.

dungeon porn 1987: Like the Martin Burber Guy, you, sir, will not find what you’re looking for here. But once you do find it, please let me know. I really want to know what was so special about dungeon porn of the 1987 vintage as opposed to other years.

dragon made of rope: On one hand, I get a mental image of a Peter, Paul, and Mary-esque dragon conjured up by “smoking rope.” On the other hand, a dragon constructed of rope is an neat visual and one I’ll be filing away for later use.

damage caused by dadly nightshed: Egad! It’s the dadly nightshed! “You kids clean up your room or I’ll lock you inside me out in the garden until dawn!”

deck of jeff rients fight on: In some forgotten chamber on the lowest level of Stonehell Dungeon lies the fabed deck of jeff rients. I’m not sure what this magical item does just yet, but it’s going to be awesome.

"stonehell dungeon" torrent: I hope you rot in Hell, you too-cheap-to-spend-$6.50 sonofabitch!

dunwich mushroom gills mouth: Believe it or not, this is the #1 search keyword for the SoTPR. I kid you not. Sure there are plenty of variations on rope, pole, society, and whatnot, but this particular combination has been used for 97 visits. This must be either some strange spam search spider doings or a whole lot of people where as disturbed by the scenario in H.P. Lovecraft’s Dunwich: Return to the Forgotten Village as I was.


BigFella said...

"Dadly Nightshed" Now that's a mustache twirling villain's name if ever I heard one...

Michael S/Chgowiz said...

the fabed deck of jeff rients

If you make one of the cards a "Stud God", I will be your next torchbearer. :)

Ryan said...

For sake making you need to use Aspergillus oryzae to convert rice starch to sugar. I'm intrigued by what you'll come up with for that deck of Jeff Rients.

E.G.Palmer said...

Heh, I once got a hit from a google search for "pelor bear".

I'm assuming they were looking for polar bear info, and not the ceremonial bears of a god of Greyhawk.

Chris said...

the fabled deck of jeff rients

Pro-Tip: Including the Deck of Jeff Rients in your game is the equivalent of playing Russian Roulette with The Great Gonzo, Frank Zappa, and a smoothbore musket. It will add True Scientific Realism to your game, whether you want it or not.

"You have drawn... The Shatner."

*wailing, gnashing of teeth, screams of KHAAAAAN!*

LordVreeg said...

"The Shatner Card"???

Ok, that is hilarious. And I'm calling dibs on Dadly Nightshed for next tuesday night's session...He's going to be dastardly...