Cure Humorous Wounds

High art, this is not, but I know some referees will introduce this particular bit of wonderworking into their campaigns with tremendous glee. Think of it as a companion piece to my long-forgotten One Hundred Random Ridiculous Magic Items Table.

Cure Humorous Wounds (reversible)
Level: 1
Duration: Permanent
Range: Touch

This potent but specific spell cures a single character or creature (including the caster) of all damage suffered from one or more wounds. However, the injuries healed must be humorous in nature. Any injuries sustained in a less than entertaining fashion are unaffected by this spell.  Whether a wound is considered humorous is left to the Labyrinth Lord’s discretion, but suggested comical wounds include an arrow in the buttocks, a sharp blow to the genitals, injuries sustained from custard pies, and other similar damage. If the majority of the players (not characters) succumb to laughter as a result of the wound, it is also considered humorous.

Cause humorous wounds (reverse of cure humorous wounds) inflicts a single injury on a creature if the caster touches his opponent and the victim fails a saving throw vs. spells. The exact nature of the wound can be determined by the Labyrinth Lord or by rolling on the table below:

1) Shot to the Danglies: Lose all actions for one turn automatically. Each subsequent round, the target must make a save vs. paralysis to recover. If the save is failed, the creature loses another round of action as he/she/it groans in pain.

2) Hot Foot: Target’s boot/foot/hoof/etc. catches fire causing them to hop about comically for 1d4 rounds or until they extinguish the appendage. The small fire inflicts 1 point of damage each round.

3) Eye Poke: Woo-woo-woo! Target is poked in the eyes and cannot see for 1d4 rounds. All attacks and saving throws are at a -2 penalty.

4) Mallet to the Head: A hammer of force descends upon the target, smiting them upon the pate. If wearing a helmet, the basinet is crushed and forced down over the victim’s eyes, blinding them until it can be removed with a successful STR check. Target’s without helmets are stunned for 1d4 rounds and illusionary, tweeting birds circle the victim’s head.

5) Tongue Grab: A hand of force grasps the victim’s tongue and yanks. A successful DEX check must be made to remain standing. Spell-casters are unable to perform magic for 1d4 rounds afterwards.

6) Atomic Wedgie: An unseen presence yanks the victim’s undergarments upward with great violence, reducing their movement rate to the next lowest speed and inflicting a +2 penalty to AC. This effect lasts for 1d4 rounds or until the victim spends a full round readjusting their undergarments.